Motherhood

Well, where to begin? It’s hard. I’ve been a mom for 1 year now and I can’t say it’s gotten easier. Every chapter and development has come with new challenges. Emotional as well as physical.

My pregnancy was fairly smooth compared to other moms. I had some nausea, no vomiting, slight heartburn and an occasional sciatic pain in my leg. Other than that, easy peasy. Then my water broke right before I was about to get into bed. And so the adventure began! I was induced which is SO MUCH FUN! Got an epidural ( can I just always have that?) and then pushed for 2 hours. Baby wasn’t ready to leave so the doctor gave me options. Tools or C-Section. I told the doctor to cut me open, tools just sounded “rippy”. Sorry to all the men reading this, pooping a baby out is graphic. Once the baby was out, we began our journey into parenthood. We got lucky and had a healthy baby, but one that wouldn’t latch no matter how many nurses came to squeeze, move or wrangle my breasts. We finally got home and then it hit really hard, we were on our own now. We have a ton of family support but now we are the ones driving the bus. We are responsible for this little fart.

Emotionally, I was always ( am always) kind of on the edge of being overwhelmed, crying or being extremely annoyed with my husband. I love him and he tries but sometimes… Anyhow. Now, what would become of Sour in all this. Something that I’ve been doing since 2007 and is my creative outlet. The time I have for me and my brain to just shut down and create. Where does that fall in all this? I still don’t know. If I’m lucky, I’ll get some time during naps to prep or sew something real quick. Maybe a day on the weekend when family isn’t visiting. But generally, I’m catching up on laundry, dishes…house chores. They eat up all the time in between baby time.

How does one find a balance? I’m not keen on sticking her in  daycare. I can watch my own kid and I want this time with her when she’s young to bond and watch her grow.  Insert Aerosmith song “ And I don’t wanna miss a thing”. I just haven’t found the balance. I need Sour to maintain a certain level of sanity but I always have to be a mom. I know a lot of people have helpful suggestions that they like to tell me. But I’ve always been one to follow my gut and the few times I haven’t, well things went to shit. Perhaps I’m stubborn, and that’s not always a bad thing. Our experiences in this life should be our own and what we choose for ourselves, right?

So I’m finding things a little rough right now. Trying to find the balance of who I am and who I need to be for my child. A kid changes everything. I definitely feel like the vessel and not a person after having a kid. My importance in this world feels less than before but I don’t regret my child. So again, a balance needs to happen. Maybe one day I’ll figure it out. In the meantime, I’ll just do my best.